Actual aunting: New baby edition
My post about raising kids when you're not a parent was a bit vague. So here's some more practical ideas on how I try to do that support. A bit random. And what do I know? Not much! But I try.
These ideas are from the point of view of assuming a familial and good relationship with a parent because they are from my point of view. Probably they could apply to close friends. Your mileage will certainly vary.
This was going to be one post but immediately got too long so this is the pregnancy and new baby edition. When it comes to new babies a larger proportion of this isn't being an aunt at all - it's being a sister. Much of this is for the parents, not the baby.
As aunts and uncles, especially ones without children, we are lucky not to be asked for advice. Have no advice. Accept everything the parents feel and declare. Unless you know it to be actively detrimental. They will probably change their minds anyway. I'd prefer to be seen as supportive. It doesn’t actually matter which model of bottle cleaner they go for.
One of the big risk factors for postnatal depression is a lack of social support. Even if it never gets that serious, so much about this is overwhelming. I completely understand how a baby can awaken every anxiety. We can listen and be supportive.
Pregnancy
Nesting is a real thing. Mere weeks out they will decide it's time to pull out all the wardrobes to clean behind them, or reorganise the garage. Don't let them. Or help them so it's over quickly.
They will panic about the hospital bag, or not having bought all the stuff yet. They probably have time. You can help.
Also - don't say this to them - but know that if the baby is really very too early they will be in hospital for a while, everything they would have bought would have been too small, and there will be time for other people to do a supermarket sweep. Hopefully it won't, and if it does, hopefully the closest supermarket won't be John Lewis, like I had to sweep.
Get them to give you a list of stuff they need, ideally divvied up amongst helpful people. It's less about the money as the time and energy. Buy at least four times as many cotton wool pads, muslins, baby grows, nappies, etc, as is on the list. Ideally ten. My brother laughed when I dropped off twenty packs of cotton wool pads before his first kid was born. They were gone in a week.
The last few weeks of pregnancy are rough. They are grey, puffy, swollen, losing hair, and can't pick things up off the floor. I think this is an evolutionary response to the fear of the baby coming: being so Done they just want the baby out and over with.
Deny that they look grey, puffy, and swollen. Deny that their ankles are enormous. But don't deny they are pissed off, frustrated, or scared. Let everyone feel their feelings.
Don't tell older siblings how they feel about the new baby. They will feel all ways and that's okay. Parents have probably researched this and decided on a philosophy - ask them how they are approaching it.
Birth
Giving birth can be really grim. It ought to be a profound and beautiful experience but it can be dangerous, damaging, disempowering, and so on. Let the parents talk about it, before and after. They might need to tell the story a hundred times. Let them.
Write down your memories of how you found out the baby was coming, of when they were born, the first time you met them. It's amazing to remember for yourself and they will love hearing it. One of my nieces asks me to tell these stories pretty much every time we see her.
It doesn't matter if you think you don't like the name - you will come to love the name because it's theirs. I happen to love all their names but this is certainly not the case for everyone.
Visiting
Wipe the bathroom or kitchen down when you visit. Lots of visitors means lots of bathroom and kitchen use. At a point when there's little time to clean it. Leave it cleaner than you found it.
Breastfeeding can take a long time, be boring, and uncomfortable if not painful. Keep people company especially in public.
The person who gave birth needs to drink more water than they are. However much water they are drinking, they need more.
Talk to parents also about things that are not the baby, if they want.
Before leaving make sure they have everything they need within arm's reach.
Practicalities
Taking food is great but fridges and freezers get full. Consider a takeaway voucher.
Learn how to take down and put up their pram, pushchair, whatever it is, so you can do that for people while they have their hands full.
Perhaps also learn their dishwasher and washing machine because those are going to be running 24/7.
Parents will probably be trying to preserve the routines of older siblings as far as possible - perhaps you can help with this.
Holding a baby
Babies are mostly just making sure they haven't been left on the floor of the cave to be eaten by sabre-tooth tigers.
Find a sustainable rocking action you can keep up for an hour. I have a three-point bounce with a heartbeat-rhythm pat on the back. Pretty effective if I do say so myself.
There's different ways round to hold a baby, I learned. Ask "Where do you want the head?" when you give them back.
Take a spare t shirt so you don't have to travel home on the tube covered in vomit.
Poop
Before they eat solids there's nothing gross about baby poop. Wash your hands, obviously. But it's just milk.
Reconcile yourself to getting lots of updates about poo, possibly even photos.
If someone is breastfeeding they definitely need to be drinking more water than they are. This can be related to the baby's poo more often than you might think.
Being visited
Someone with small children is never late. Nor are they early. They arrive precisely as soon as they can.
If the baby cavalcade might come to your house even occasionally, seriously think about a changing mat and some baby wipes. Space and money permitting obviously but it will make a big difference. Real changing mats are much nicer than the thinner, smaller portable ones.
Also at your house think about where people can go to feed, nap, change, just have a chill.
Slightly bigger babies
Do a first aid course. Babies like to swallow things.
Vaccinations, medical checks, and so on need at least two adults. You can be the other adult. Beware the way they cry when they are jabbed - it may well make you cry too.
Tell the parents how great they are doing but also listen seriously when they say they are not doing great.
Newborn babies get a lot of attention. They are little potatoes. When they are harder, three months plus, is when the visits and the meals and the care packages start drying up. Keep doing that.
There's going to be a part two which I will link.