Friends? Friends
Prompted by Jedda's On making friends as an adult recently, and this being something I think about a lot, I wanted to write about making friends. It is a tough line to tread between being open versus possibly a bit too weird. So here we go.
I don't have many friends because every time I have a major depressive episode it's like a scorched earth thing. Geological strata. These people belonged to this era. Then there was an apocalypse event and life began again. It would be nice if that were not the case but I've not yet figured out how to say, "I'm very sorry I disappeared off the face of the earth. It's not you, it was very much me and my inability to get out of bed for a year." Who wouldn't want to be friends with this person!
So everyone I know now, that I am not related to, or is not my wife's friend, I have met and befriended in the last five years. This is not loads of people but it is recent, which is useful for the purposes of talking about making friends. I am actively engaged in being friendly.
I'm also very close with my family and do a lot of stuff with them. My sister and my wife are my best friends. I swing between thinking that's kind of cool or kind of dorky. So probably a bit of both.
I believe in connection and community... So I need to do it.
It's hit and miss, of course it is. I've met a lot of people who complain they don't want more friends, they have enough friend drama, they can't keep up with all their many friends. Okay! That's fine! Message received. There are also cliques that are impossible to break into. This will not be everyone. But we need to steel ourselves, when putting ourselves out there. I'm not great at this but I practice and I try and I know it is a necessary part of it.
Places I have made friends in the past five years: on a course, playing Dungeons and Dragons, a writing group, neighbours, fandom online (then also offline).
Places I have not really managed to make friends: work, other courses, the allotment, gardening club.
More things I am going to do that will bring me into contact with other humans and maybe make friends: volunteering, playing games with someone else's friends, playing Dungeons and Dragons with new people, going to a new club.
There's that jump from acquaintance to something more like friendship that I (and, I think, most people) find difficult. I have a friend I chatted to online every day for two years before I got my shit together enough to meet up, which we now do pretty regularly.
Last month someone suggested meeting up outside of the group we normally meet up in. And I said yes I'd really like that, because I would, and then failed to follow through because I just didn't know how. I'll try again next time and be more prepared.
We've got new neighbours over the street who hosted a gathering when they moved in and invited people. A good and outrageously brave idea. We had something else on so my wife sent our apologies and had a chat. I've had chats with them on the street. But we should probably invite them over. Or, if my wife gets her way, invite ourselves over so she can have a nosy at the building work they had done.
Also, acquaintances are not a bad thing! Nor are 'weak social ties.' In fact these are good things. I find 'weak social ties' around my neighbourhood to be great at giving me an easy sense of belonging. It's nice to recognise people and smile and say hello when out and about on the street. It doesn't have to be any more than that.
I'm reading The Great Good Place by Ray Oldenburg. It's about Third Places, and mostly about the US, but because it's getting older (1989! Pretty old) it also applies to the UK by now too. So part of the problem is the lack of third places to meet people or to socialise with people you have met. For when going to someone's home seems like too much. 'Dinner' can also seem like too much. Alcohol is an annoyingly default position and I don't like it - alcohol or the default position.
I like doing things. Going to the cinema, or the museum, or running errands. I love a good mission doing errands. I'll message people stuff like "I need to go into town to get a thing, do you have anything you need to do?" and it's no big deal.
There's that saying about how it's the wrong way round to say you want a romantic partner. You have to want to be a romantic partner. Think about what you are offering, not just wanting. Which works with lots of things, very much including friends. It's not enough to want friends, I have to focus on being a friend.
As adults I think we look back on friendships formed when we were younger that seemed easier but we are a bit rose-tinted about it. Yes you make friends with the person you sit next to... But you sit next to them for a year at least. There's the mere-exposure effect - the more you are exposed to someone the more you like them.
Some self-awareness helps. I know how I come across and how I work. I know it usually takes a full year of exposure to get used to me but once over that hump I seem to do pretty well with people. As a friend, I'm very loyal. Once I am your friend I will buy your book and come to your show and do all the supportive things. Also on offer: enthusiasm. That's the pitch.