Convincing myself to blog
I don't really blog about blogging but I started wanting to clarify my thoughts about it. Obviously I'm not speaking for anyone other than myself. This is not a manifesto nor is it a psychological or sociological study. It's a reminder to myself that I can look back at.
So, why?
Why not.
That's often my first, combative answer to these things. I am stubborn and contrary. If it does no harm, why not?
A bit of rebellion. Who gets to decide who writes? What's proper? What should be on the web? Traditionally, 'whose voice gets to be heard' has not been a winning category for many of us. The web is (should be, was meant to be) a great democratiser.
There are people who can't imagine not wanting to go viral, not wanting to leverage, not wanting to profit. That's their lack, not ours. Their lack of imagination and community but also self assuredness. That it doesn't have to be about any of that.
Writing helps me think about things. It's how I process my thoughts. Mostly completely privately. Some of those thoughts I decide, for whatever reason, might be a blog post. Writing a post pushes those thoughts a bit further, makes me more careful and considered, makes me look for other ideas, opinions, and sources. This is good for my writing and just generally for my brain that is learning and growing.
It also leads to connection. All sorts of different connections. With all sorts of interesting people. That I appreciate.
If I'm out here appreciating and enjoying everyone else's projects and blogs and sites it feels a bit rude not to contribute, not to return the favour. In a general sense.
Being part of and supporting the ecosystem. I feel strongly about this in fandom. It's not that different on the wider web.
Back to the rigour: it takes some effort to hit the publish button. Even posting fic which I don't know how many times I've done still needs working up to. It's a muscle to train - putting stuff out there. Working up to bigger things maybe. This blog was a step for me - using my name, it felt scary, I still second guess that decision and think about changing. But it was the right decision for me, at this point.
It's constant practice in overcoming the imposter syndrome and negative self-talk. That sneering tone I imagined in everyone's doing it and my brain being unhelpful. Also posts about deguilting my pleasures and inner critics.
I wish I could remember the specific influences that shaped these feelings. It's probably that there were so many, a gradual accumulation from so many places.
I'm not even sure why I took this plunge back in February. What was the catalyst. Probably just a whim. I'd been looking at indie web stuff but that wasn't unusual. I wrote in my journal, 'Working on this thing like I will ever have anything to put on it. Well. Maybe I should get on with making stuff then.'